My boss' voice literally gives me gas
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
