I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
