He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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