i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
