I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
