i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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