But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
