is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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