I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
