Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
