Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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