these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
