Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
