fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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