why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
