Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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