I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
