drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
