I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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