saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
