he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
