I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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