I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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