They should really pass out barf bags in church
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
