I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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