Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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