y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
