i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
