I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
