careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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