I puked a lego.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
