I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
