two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
