Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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