those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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