My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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