so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
