Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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