goodnight i made you a song goodbye
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
