Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
