I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
