I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
