Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
