is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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