What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What a dumb baby whore.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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