i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
