I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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