Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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