Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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