My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
