Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
