I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sex in the backyard? Check.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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