two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
