There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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